BSML’s Summary of Principles from:
HOW TO WIN FRIENDS
AND
INFLUENCE PEOPLE
By Dale Carnegie
1937
From the BSML Business Wisdom Series
Key Themes
A study by the New York Telephone Company sought to find the most used word in 500 telephone conversations. It was the pronoun “I”, used 3,900 times
“If there is one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as your own”
“There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything… by making the other person want to do it”
“If sales people can show us how their services or merchandise will help solve our problems, they won’t need to sell to us. We will buy. And customers like to feel they are buying – not being sold to”
Contents
- Introduction
- Background
- Principles
3.1 Dealing with people
3.2 Being liked
3.3 Influencing others
3.4 Leading change
- Summary
Introduction
Dale Carnegie was born in poverty on a farm in Maryville, Missouri in 1884, and was educated at Warrensburg State Teachers College.
As a salesman and aspiring actor he moved to New York, but soon began teaching communications courses at YMCAs. In 1912 he launched, his now world famous Dale Carnegie course, and during his life, he wrote 11 books on topics from public speaking to the unknown life of Abraham Lincoln
Dale Carnegie training has evolved, since his death in 1955, into a global workplace learning and performance organisation, with offices in over 80 countries. It now focuses on improving the performance of companies by improving their teams’ performance.
BSML’s intention in compiling this summary is to share the wisdom of this legendary educator with our clients and prospective clients, to encourage them to read the full work, and to help them use its principles to improve management practices and strategy.
Please feel free to share this document with your colleagues and business partners, who have an interest in the topic.
Nick Bentley, Managing Director, BSML
2. Background on the book
- “How to win friends and influence people” is one of the best selling business, sales and self improvement books of all time.
- The book’s original promise was :
“To have the potential to turn around your relationships and improve your dealings with all the people in your life”
- It was written in 1936 and first published in 1937, and has sold many millions of copies since then, being translated into almost every known written language
- Its original anecdotes, citing the rich and famous of the thirties and prior, have slowly been updated. But its practical, colloquial and easy style has never changed
3. Structure of the book
Whilst the book has 4 parts and 34 chapters, for ease of understanding of its principles, we have simplified this summary into 4 topics :
3.1 Dealing with people 3.2 Being liked
3.3 Influencing others 3.4 Leading change
The principles associated with each topic are covered in the topics that follow
Part 1 – Dealing with people
3.1 Principles for dealing with people
- Don’t criticise, condemn or complain
- Give honest and sincere appreciation
- Arouse in the other person an eager want
3.1.1 Don’t criticise, condemn or complain
“When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity”
“Any fool can criticise, condemn and complain – and most fools do”
“Criticisms are like homing pigeons. They always return home”
“God himself, sir, does not propose to judge a man until the end of his days. Why should you and I?”
Dr Johnson
“A great man shows his greatness, by the way he treats little men”
Carlyle
3.1.1 Abraham Lincoln and General Meade
- After the Battle of Gettysburg in July 1863, Confederate General Lee and his defeated army were trapped by a flood river on the banks of the Potomac.
- Lincoln saw here was a golden opportunity to capture Lee’s army and end the civil war there and then. He sent urgent orders to his commander in the field General Meade to attack immediately.
- Instead of attacking, Meade hesitated, procrastinated, called a council of war, telegraphed all manner of excuses to Lincoln and finally refused point-blank to attack Lee.
- The river subsided, Lee escaped and the war dragged on for another two long years.
- Lincoln wrote Meade a scathing letter, which he never sent. It was found in his papers after his death. Why?
- He knew it would make Meade try to justify himself, condemn Lincoln, arouse hard feelings, impair any future usefulness of Meade as a commander and perhaps force him to resign from the army.
- In short Lincoln knew that criticism would make matters worse.
3.1.1 Don’t criticise, condemn or complain
Criticism is futile, because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s pride, hurts their sense of importance and arouses resentment.
Benjamin Franklin, tactless in his youth, became so diplomatic, so adroit at handling people, that he was made American Ambassador to France. The secret of his success?
“I will speak ill of no man… And speak all the good I know of everybody”.
Benjamin Franklin
“As much as we thirst for approval, we dread condemnation”.
Hans Seyle
3.1.2 Give honest and sincere appreciation
“Appreciation is the legal tender all souls enjoy”
“There is one longing – almost as deep and imperious as the desire for food or sleep – which is seldom gratified. The desire to be important”
Dr John Dewey
“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated”
William James
“There is nothing I need so much as nourishment for my self esteem”
Alfred Lunt
“The rare individual, who honestly satisfies this heart hunger, will hold people in the palm of their hand, and even the undertaker will be sorry when they die”
One of the first people in American business to be paid a salary of one million dollars a year (when the average person earned $50 per week) was Charles Schwab.
Schwab said that he was paid this salary, largely because of his ability to deal with people.
“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people, the greatest asset I possess; and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.
There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticism from superiors. I never criticise anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise, but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.
I have yet to find the person, however great or exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval, than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism.”
3.1.3 Arouse in the other person an eager want
We usually spend about 95% of our time thinking (and talking) about ourselves …about what we want. We are all eternally interested and invested in ourselves.
So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.
Remember that tomorrow when you are trying to get someone to do something. Don’t preach and don’t talk about what you want.
Think : What will make them want to do it?
Show them that cigarettes may keep them from making the basketball team or winning the hundred yard dash.
“If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view, and see things from that person’s angle, as well as from your own”
Henry Ford
A father came home one evening to find his youngest son kicking and screaming on the living room floor. He was to start kindergarten the next day and was protesting that he didn’t want to go.
How to arouse an eager want?
The father made a list of all the things, that were exciting about kindergarten. Then he, his wife and older son set up and started finger painting on the kitchen table. Soon his younger son was begging to participate.
“Oh no, you have to go to kindergarten first, to learn to finger paint”. The next morning he found his son asleep on the couch.
“What are you doing here?” he asked.
“I’m waiting to go to kindergarten. I don’t want to be late”
I am very fond of strawberries and cream; fish prefer worms. When I go fishing, I have found it best to bait the line with worms, rather than with strawberries and cream
Part 2 – Being Liked
3.2 Principles for being liked
- Become genuinely interested in other people
- Smile
- Remember that a person’s name, is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language
- Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves
- Talk in terms of the other person’s interests
- Make the person feel important and do it sincerely
3.2.1 Become genuinely interested in other people
In finding out how to win friends, why not study the technique of the greatest winner of friends the world has ever known? Who is he?
You may meet him coming down the street tomorrow. When you get within ten feet of him, he will begin to wag his tail. If you stop to pat him, he will almost jump out of his skin to show you how much he likes you. And you know there are no ulterior motives : he doesn’t want to sell you real estate and he doesn’t want to marry you.
A dog is the only animal that doesn’t have to work for a living. He gets by giving you nothing but love.
“We are interested in others, when they are interested in us”
Publius Syrus
“I made more headway in 2 hours by becoming genuinely interested in him and his problems, than I could have made in ten years trying to get him interested in me and my product.”
CM Knaphle Jnr
3.2.2 Smile
Actions speak louder than words and a smile says : “I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.”
People rarely succeed at anything, unless they have fun doing it
“Man without smiling face must not open shop” Chinese Proverb
“There is nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so”
William Shakespeare
“Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be”
Abraham Lincoln
The expression you wear on your face is far more important than the clothes you wear on your back
3.2.3 Remember a person’s name
The simplest, most obvious and most important way of gaining goodwill is by remembering names and making people feel important
Franklyn D Roosevelt
A person’s name is, to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language : it makes him or her unique amongst all others. It is the single thing wholly and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing … and nobody else. That is why naming a child after someone is a great honour, and why the rich and famous have museums, libraries, university wings and other buildings named after them.
The average person is more interested in his or her own name, than in all the other names on earth put together. The secret of my success is I can call fifty thousand people by their first names. Remember a name and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. Forget it or misspell it – and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage.
Jim Farley
3.2.4 Be a good listener
“Listening is more than silence, but a form of activity… giving exclusive attention to the person who is speaking … hearing with the eyes as well as the ears … making the person feel they have had their say… nothing else is so flattering as that”
Charles W Elliott
Mum, I really know you love me, because whenever I want to talk to you about something, you stop what you are doing and listen to me.
So, if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions the other person will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.
3.2.5 Talk in terms of the other person’s interest
The royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.
Franklyn D Roosevelt
A middle aged man called one evening and after a polite skirmish with my aunt, he turned his attention to me. At that time I happened to be interested in boats, and the visitor discussed the subject in a way, that seemed particularly interesting. After he left, I spoke of him with great enthusiasm. What a man!
My aunt informed me he was a New York lawyer and cared nothing about boats.
“But why then did he talk all the time about boats?”
“Because he is a gentleman. He saw you were interested in boats, and he talked about the things he knew would interest and please you. He made himself agreeable”.
3.2.6 Make the person feel important and do it sincerely
“Do unto others as you would have others do unto you”.
What is there about this person, that I can honestly admire?
What will I get in return?
Something priceless… a feeling that I have done something for that person, without his being able to do anything whatever in return for me. That is a feeling that flows and sings in your memory long after the incident is past.
“Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in you praise. All of us want that”.
Charles Schwab
Part 3 – Influencing Others
3.3 Principles for influencing others
- The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
- Show respect to the other person’s opinions. Never say “you’re wrong”
- If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
- Begin in a friendly way
- Get the person saying “yes, yes” immediately
- Let the other person do a great deal of the talking
- Let the other person think the idea is hers or his
- Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view
- Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires
- Appeal to the nobler motives
- Dramatise your idea
- Throw down a challenge
3.3.1 The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
- You can’t win an argument. If you lose it you lose it and if you win it you lose it.
- If you win you feel fine, but what about the other fellow. You have made him feel inferior. You have hurt his pride. He will resent your triumph. And, nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each contestant more firmly convinced than ever that they are absolutely right
- “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still”
- Avoid arguments like rattlesnakes and earthquakes
- How to avoid a disagreement becoming an argument :
- Welcome the disagreement
- Distrust your first instinctive impression
- Control your temper
- Listen first
- Look for areas of agreement
- Be honest
- Promise to think about your opponent’s ideas and study them carefully
- Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest
- Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem
3.3.2 Show respect to the other person’s opinions. Never say “you’re wrong”
“One thing only I know and that is that I know nothing” – Socrates “You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself “ – Galileo
- Few people are logical. Most of us are prejudiced and biased. Most of us are blighted with pre-conceived notions, with jealousy, suspicion, fear, envy and pride. And most citizens don’t want to change their minds about their religion or their haircut or communism or their favourite movie star.
- We like to continue to believe what we have been accustomed to believe is true, and the resentment aroused when doubt is cast upon any of our assumptions leads us to seek every manner of excuse for clinging to it. The result is that most of our so-called reasoning consists in finding arguments for going on believing as we already do.
- I have found it of enormous value when I can permit myself to understand the other person. Very rarely do we permit ourselves to understand precisely what the meaning of a statement is to the other person
“Men must be taught as if you taught them not; and things unknown proposed as things forgot” – Alexander Pope
“Agree with thine adversary quickly” – Jesus
3.3.3 If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
“Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes – and most fools do – but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes”
- It is much easier to listen to self-criticism than to bear condemnation from alien lips. Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say – and say them before the other person has a chance to say them. The chances are a hundred to one that a generous forgiving attitude will be taken and your mistakes will be minimised by your potential accuser
- When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong – and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves – let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm.
3.3.4 Begin in a friendly way
“Its an old maxim that a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall. So with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey that catches the heart; which say what you will, is the great high road to his reason.” – Abraham Lincoln
I wanted to get my rent reduced, but knew my landlord was hard boiled. I wrote him a letter notifying him that I was vacating my room. He came to see me as soon as he got the letter. I met him at the door with a friendly greeting and told him how much I liked the place and complimented him on how well he ran it. I told him I would like to stay, on but couldn’t afford it. He had never had such a friendly reception from a tenant and proceeded to tell me his troubles – complaining tenants. One had written him 14 letters of complaint. “What a relief it is to have a satisfied tenant like you” he said. He asked me how much I could afford. I told him and he accepted without a word. Then he said what decorating can I do for you?
It was the friendly, sympathetic, appreciative approach that won. I was hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.
3.3.5 Get the person saying “yes, yes” immediately
He who treads softly goes far – Chinese Proverb
- The skilful speaker gets , at the outset, a number of “Yes” responses
- In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasising the things on which you agree.
- Get the other person say “Yes, yes” at the outset. Avoid them saying “No” and put them in a forward-moving, accepting, open attitude.
- A “No” response is a most difficult response to overcome. All your pride of personality requires that you remain consistent with yourself. Your whole neuromuscular system sets itself on guard against acceptance and focused on withdrawal. It takes the wisdom and patience of angels to transfer that bristling negative into a positive.
- Socrates was one of the greatest persuaders in history. Did he tell people they were wrong? The Socratic method was based on getting a “yes, yes” response. He asked questions with which people had to agree. He kept winning one admission after another until he had an armful of yeses, until finally, his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously.
3.3.6 Let the other person do a great deal of the talking
If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you – La Rochefoucald, French philosopher
- Talk less about yourself and listen more. We all have things to boast about and people are more excited boasting about their accomplishments, than listening to you boasting about yours.
- A salesman on the day of a major presentation had lost his voice. The president of the company said he would do the presentation for him. He exhibited the salesman’s samples and praised their good points. A lively discussion arose and the president took the position the salesman would have during the discussion. As a result of this unique conference, he was awarded the contract. He discovered, quite by accident, how richly it sometimes pays to let the other person do the talking.
- Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let the other person talk themselves out. They know more about their business and problems than you do. So ask them questions. Let them tell you a few things.
3.3.7 Let the other person think the idea is hers or his
No one likes to feel that they are being sold something or told to do a thing. We much prefer that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas
- Colonel Edward M. House wielded an enormous influence in national and international affairs while Woodrow Wilson was President.
- “After I got to know the President,” House said “I learned the best way to convert him to an idea, was to plant it in his mind casually, but as to interest him in it – so as to get him thinking about it on his own account.
- Often, several days later, I was amazed to hear him trot out my suggestion as his won.”
- House, however, didn’t care about credit; he cared about results.
In every work of genius, we recognise our own rejected thoughts;
they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty – Ralph Waldo Emerson
3.3.8 Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view
Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them.
Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that.
- Success in dealing with other people, depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person’s viewpoint.
- Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show, that you consider the other person’s ideas and feelings more important than your own. Accepting their viewpoint will encourage them to have an open mind to your ideas.
- Tomorrow, before asking someone to put out a fire or buy your product or contribute to your favourite charity, why not pause and try to think the whole ting through from the other person’s point of view? Ask yourself: “Why should they want to do it?”
I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person’s office for two hours before an interview, than step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person – from my knowledge of his or her interests and motives – was likely to answer.
3.3.9 Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires
Sympathy the human species universally craves. The child eagerly displays his injury to reap abundant sympathy. For the same reason adults show their bruises, relate their accidents, illnesses and details of surgical operations.
- Wouldn’t you like to have a magic phrase that would stop arguments, eliminate ill feeling, create good will and make the other person listen attentively? Well here it is:
“I don’t blame you one iota for feeling how you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do”
- An answer like this would soften the most cantankerous cuss alive. Suppose you had inherited the same body and temperament and mind that Al Capone had. Suppose you had his parents, environment and experiences. You would then be precisely what he was- and where he was. For those things made him what he was.
- Feel sorry for the poor devils. Pity them. Sympathise with them. Say to yourself : “There but for the grace of God go I”
3.3.10 Appeal to the nobler motives
Everyone has two reasons for doing a thing :
one that sounds good and a real one – J Pierpont Morgan
- Jess James probably thought of himself as an idealist at heart, just as Dutch Shultz, “Two Gun” Crowley, Al Capone and many other organised crime “godfathers” did many generations later.
- The fact is, that all people you meet have a high regard for themselves and like to be fine and unselfish in their own estimation.
- People are generally honest and want to discharge their obligations, maintain their reputation and be viewed positively. The exceptions to that rule are comparatively few.
- So in order to tap this idealism within them … appeal to their nobler motives :
– Sense of honour
– Fair play
– Charity
– Respect for elders
– Humanity
3.3.11 Dramatise your idea
The movies do it, TV does it, why don’t you do it?
- This is the era of dramatisation. Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have to use showmanship to gain attention.
- TV commercials abound with examples of dramatisation – cars manoeuvring bends at high speed, soap brands removing stains, happy faces having sampled various products
- James B Boynton had to present a lengthy market report for a leading brand of cold cream. “Previously I had used tabulations of figures and data, with little response and interest, but some argument and disagreement on facts. So I decided to go for something different. I opened a suitcase and dumped thirty-two jars of cold cream on top of his desk – all products he knew – all competitors of his cream. On each jar was a tag itemising the results of the trade investigation, and each tag told its story briefly, dramatically. The effect? Intense interest, friendly enquiry, a prolonged discussion and no arguments on detail.”
3.3.12 Throw down a challenge
Every successful person loves the game. The chance of self expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. That is what makes foot-races, hog-calling and pie-eating contests. The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling or importance.
- Charles Schwab had a mill manager, whose people weren’t producing their quota of work. As a shift came out he asked a worker “how many heats did your shift produce today? “ “Six” came the reply. Schwab chalked a big 6 on the floor.
- The night shift arrived and asked what the 6 was for. The manager told them. The next morning Schwab walked by and saw the 6 had been replaced by a 7. That night the 7 became a 10. Soon the mill was turning out more than any other mill.
- Charles Schwab said : “the way to get things done is to stimulate competition, and not in a money getting way, but in the desire to excel”.
- Throwing down the gauntlet is an infallible way of appealing to people of spirit.
Part 4 – Leading Change
3.4 Principles for leading change
- Begin with praise and honest appreciation
- Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly
- Talk about your own mistakes before criticising the other person
- Ask questions instead of giving direct orders
- Let the other person save face
- Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise”
- Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
- Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct
- Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest
3.4.1 Begin with praise and honest appreciation
Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain, The patient still gets the drilling, but the Novocain is pain-killing
- President Calvin Coolidge was once overheard to say to one of his secretaries : “That’s a very pretty dress you are wearing this morning, and you are a very attractive young woman.” This was probably the most effusive praise Silent Cal had ever bestowed on a secretary in his life. It was so unusual and unexpected that the secretary blushed in confusion.
- Then Coolidge said : :Now don’t get stuck up. I just said that to make you feel good. From now on, I wish you would be a little more careful with your punctuation.”
3.4.2 Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly
Simply changing one three letter word can often spell the difference between failure and success in changing people without giving offence and arousing resentment.
- We’re really proud of you Johnnie for raising your grades this term, but if you had worked harder on your algebra, your results would have been better
- We’re really proud of you Johnnie for raising you grades this term and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others.
3.4.3 Talk about your own mistakes before criticising the other person
It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that they are far from impeccable themselves.
- In 1909, Prince Bernhard von Bulow, was the Imperial Chancellor of Germany and right hand man to Kaiser Wilhelm II, later the prime instigator of World War 1.
- The Kaiser had made a visit to England that year and inflamed most of Europe “into a hornets nest” by making a series of very derogatory statements about Britain in the Daily Telegraph, whilst a guest in the country. In the midst of all this consternation, he became panicky and suggested that von Bulow take the blame.
- “But your Majesty, it seems impossible that anyone in England or Germany could suppose me capable of having advised your Majesty to say any such thing”.
- “ You consider me a donkey, capable of blunders you yourself could never have committed!” The Kaiser exploded.
- Realising he should have praised before he condemned, von Bulow said “I’m far from suggesting that. Your Majesty surpasses me in many respects – military and naval knowledge, natural history and science. I have often listened in admiration when your Majesty explained such things, about which I am so ignorant. After that the Kaiser beamed and later in the day stated that “if anyone says anything to me against Prince von Bulow, I will punch him on the nose.”
- Humility and praise, can even make an insulted Kaiser into a staunch friend.
3.4.3 Talk about your own mistakes before criticising the other person
It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that they are far from impeccable themselves.
- In 1909, Prince Bernhard von Bulow, was the Imperial Chancellor of Germany and right hand man to Kaiser Wilhelm II, later the prime instigator of World War 1.
- The Kaiser had made a visit to England that year and inflamed most of Europe “into a hornets nest” by making a series of very derogatory statements about Britain in the Daily Telegraph, whilst a guest in the country. In the midst of all this consternation, he became panicky and suggested that von Bulow take the blame.
- “But your Majesty, it seems impossible that anyone in England or Germany could suppose me capable of having advised your Majesty to say any such thing”.
- “ You consider me a donkey, capable of blunders you yourself could never have committed!” The Kaiser exploded.
- Realising he should have praised before he condemned, von Bulow said “I’m far from suggesting that. Your Majesty surpasses me in many respects – military and naval knowledge, natural history and science. I have often listened in admiration when your Majesty explained such things, about which I am so ignorant. After that the Kaiser beamed and later in the day stated that “if anyone says anything to me against Prince von Bulow, I will punch him on the nose.”
- Humility and praise, can even make an insulted Kaiser into a staunch friend.
3.4.4 Ask questions instead of giving direct orders
- Owen D Young the famous industrialist and diplomat never said “Do this or do that” or “Don’t do this or don’t do that”. He would say “you might consider this” or “do you think that would work?” He would always give people the opportunity to do things themselves and to learn from their mistakes.
- A technique like that save a person’s pride and gives them a feeling of importance. It encourages co-operation instead of rebellion.
- Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the person whom you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.
3.4.5 Let the other person save face
I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man indignity is a crime – Antoine de Saint-Exupery (French aviation pioneer and author)
- Years ago General Electric faced the delicate task of removing Charles Steinmetz, a genius when it came to electricity, from the head of a department. Yet the company didn’t dare to offend the man as he was indispensable – and highly sensitive.
- So they gave him a new title – Consulting Engineer of the General Electric Company – and let someone else head the department. Steinmetz was happy and the officers of GE had let him save face.
- How often do we ride roughshod over the feelings of others, getting our own way, finding fault, issuing threats, criticizing a child or an employee in front of other, without even considering the hurt to the other person’s pride. Whereas a few minutes through, a considerate word or two, a genuine understanding of the other person’s attitude would alleviate the sting.
3.4.6 Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement
Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement
- Praise is like sunlight to warm the human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it. And yet while most of us are only too ready to apply the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm sunshine of praise – Jess Lair
- Many years ago a boy of ten was working in a factory in Naples. He longed to be a singer, but his first teacher discouraged him. “You can’t sing. You haven’t any voice at all.” His mother praised him and told him she knew he could sing. She went barefoot to pay for his music lessons. The mother’s praise changed the boys life. That boy was Enrico Caruso, the greatest and most famous opera singer of his age.
- In the early nineteenth century, a young man aspired to be a writer. He had been unable to attend school for more than four years. His father was jailed because he couldn’t pay his debts and the boy often went hungry. Story after story of his was rejected, until finally one editor recognised him an put his story into print. That praise and recognition changed his whole life. His name was Charles Dickens.
3.4.7 Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
What do you do when a person who has been a good worker begins to turn in shoddy work? Give them a fine reputation to live up to.
- “Bill you are a fine mechanic, and have been for many years. You have repaired many vehicles and looked after our customers well, such that we have had many compliments about your work. Yet of late the time you take to complete each job has been increasing and your work has not been up to your usual standard. Because you have been such an outstanding mechanic, I felt sure you would want to know that I am not happy with this situation and perhaps jointly we could find some way to correct this problem.”
- If you want a person to improve in a particular area, act as though that trait were already one of their outstanding characteristics. Give them a fine reputation to live up to and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.
Assume a virtue, if you have it not – William Shakespeare
3.4.8 Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct
- Tell your child, your spouse or your employee that they are stupid or dumb at a certain thing, have no gift for it and are doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed every incentive to try to improve.
- Be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in their ability to do it, that they have an undeveloped flair for the task, and they will practise until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.
3.4.9 Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest
- In 1915 the nations of Europe had been slaughtering each other for more than a year. President Woodrow Wilson sought to bring about peace by sending a personal emissary, to counsel with the warlords of Europe.
- William Jennings Brown, secretary of state and peace advocate wanted to go, to perform a great service and make his name immortal. But Wilson appointed another man – Colonel Edward M House – and it was House’s thorny task to break the unwelcome news to Bryan.
- “Bryan was distinctly disappointed when he heard he was not to go to Europe as the peace emissary. I replied that the President thought it would be unwise for anyone to do this officially, and that his going would attract a great deal of attention. He was too important for the job. On hearing this explanation he was satisfied to stay behind.”
- Effective leaders are :
– Sincere and concentrate on the benefits to the other person
– Clear on what they want the other person to do and the benefits to that person
– Empathetic in communicating the message.
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